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Thursday, May 8, 2008

Musings...

The couple and I had a serious relationship talk the other day. It went really well, but it's got me thinking. As much as I'm truly enjoying my relationship with them, and I really do, I miss having a sub. The Philosopher is quite deliciously toppy and the Photographer is rather vanilla. Neither of them could fill that desire nor would I expect them to. I have no desire for either of them to change as I'm enjoying getting to know the deliciousness of them.

And yet.... and yet I still have these desires... these wants. As my mother likes to say, "you're old enough for your wants not to hurt you." And, while I don't always agree with my mother, she's right. Not that it makes me want any less, but my wants are mine to control not the other way around.

If I could have the sort of non-relationships I've had in the past and be okay with it, it would make life so much easier. But, truth be told, I wasn't even okay with it then. Whenever I've gotten involved with anyone who I didn't at least consider a friend, I never felt right about it afterwards. The only times that jumping into a sexual relationship has really worked for me has been when a relationship, be it a friendship or dating, came about because of it. And these are the reasons that I try to only get involved with people I'm at least friends with.

But, I have to ask myself, do I have time for another relationship? The bookstore I'm working at now is closing in July, my HLM (hetero-lifemate) and I are soon to be opening our own tattoo shop / pagany bookstore (I have a LOT of work to do for that), I'm working on becoming more disciplined with my writing, I might be directing this summer and I'm still in the newness of the relationship with the couple.

And yet... the couple is going to be gone for over a month & a few prospects have crossed my path recently. Perhaps I should just allow things to develop in their own time and just see what happens. Or maybe I'll meditate and do a tarot reading on it.

Which reminds me... there've been a few things that I've been meaning to meditate & do readings on... Like the bookstore, the relationship, my teaching/directing... *head shake* I'm such a bad witch! Unfortunately it all follows suite since I've been a not so great roommate lately and a less than great employee... at least, according to my own standards.

Aw hell, Rachel's coming to visit in June. I'll at least get to play with her, er, him! ;D

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