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Thursday, September 4, 2008

Missing the Mistress & musings

Not that I have any time... but I miss being Mistress Ninian. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy those I'm involved with. I'm glad I have a wrestling partner who likes to bruise me in the Philosopher as well as finding the Professor who has been able and willing to accommodate my Daddy/daughter fantasy. But the Mistress in me feels... neglected. It's very similar to how I sometimes ache to have a sexual relationship with a woman when I'm only physical involved with men and all the women in my life are not sexually attracted to me. There is nothing lacking in my men, I simply yearn for something else as well. It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. And, as I have survived without on many occasions, I will survive this too. As my mother says, "you're old enough for your wants not to hurt you."

I had a potential sub, but he pulled a disappearing act on me after our second date. Now I'm not bitter. I understand people get squirrelly, life gets complicated or sometimes the connection I feel isn't felt on both sides. But I just wish I knew why. I hate not knowing the why of things. On the back of my head is a tattoo that reads, "question everything." This is a part of my life's philosophy. Sometimes my desire to question is good... it drives me to research, to probe, to refuse to be spoon fed. But sometimes, my constant questioning merely drives me through the brink of sanity because sometimes, no matter how much I question, I will not reach an answer... even when there is one.

This is the first time in my life when I'm involved with more than one person and one of them isn't more subby. But I'm so busy with three to five jobs (depending on how you count them), working with the Artist towards getting our shop, writing and just the regular tasks of life that I feel I'm neglecting those I'm already involved with. So I'm not about to go searching for a sub or a female lover... not anytime soon, at least.

Even though the wanting may not hurt, it does distract.

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