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Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Still Feelin' Rather Low...

I received a letter from the Photographer in which she apologized for the misplaced blame. It was good to get that letter.

I've been thinking a lot about that situation. My head hurts from all the thinking. How could I have been so wrong... again? I thought I was done with making such egregious errors when it comes to my love life. How could I have been so mislead? How could I have been so foolish? Why is my trust, which I do not give freely, abused so easily?

I can count on one hand how many men with whom I've had sex without a condom. Each one has a negative memory attached to it... I don't want to write about this... this is a path I'm not ready to traverse. I keep trying to write... I keep trying to write about something else... but my stomach is a pit of acid and my head feels explosive. I can't sleep much and when I do, I have terrible dreams in which I have to deal with him in person.

Each time my trust is broken it takes longer and longer for me to feel alright with the world. It is going to take a long time to get back to where I can trust someone enough to have sex. And I may never be able to trust anyone enough to submit ever again.


pandara said...

*hugs* This is not your fault. You made no error here. You made no error in giving someone your trust. Please do not feel to blame in that. Everything seemed good and sound and I would give someone my trust in a similar situation. It's not your fault when someone abuses said trust. It's theirs.

I know those words seem pretty lame and it's easier said then done but I know you will be able to pull through this. You are strong and brave and beautiful. Just go slowly, don't push yourself and do what feels right. Feel people out and you will again find someone you can trust. And that trust will be even more beautiful because of these trials. *more hugs*

Ninian said...

Your words are not in the least bit lame and I appreciate everything you wrote. Thank you!

I will survive this. *hugs*