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Sunday, September 7, 2008

Trust Broken

Hard Limits are there for a reason.

If any limit is violated, a trust is broken, but there is a possibility of things being put right. But if a HARD LIMIT is violated, there is no way of fixing that. One of my Hard Limits is that I DO NOT have unprotected penetrative sex. It's not an unreasonable limit & it also happens to be a hard limit that the Photographer & the Philosopher agreed on. We discussed this, it was well discussed.

The Philosopher broke that sacred trust. I wouldn't even know about this if it weren't for an incredibly accusatory and passive aggressive post by the Photographer.

Here's what happened:
When we were down in the dungeon and I was blindfolded and chained to the ceiling with lube over & up my ass, I found out that he removed the condom and came in my ass. He said, "In the dungeon at one point I asked, 'I'm going to cum in your ass, ok?' (or some similar wording, I'm not sure how I worded it) and waited for your response which was a nod, but I had not in the slightest considered the fact that most people would not take that question to be about removing the condom."

(a) I was blindfolded & chained to the ceiling.
(b) I DO NOT have unprotected penetrative sex.
(c) You DO NOT renegotiate limits in the middle of a scene.
(d) You NEVER violate HARD LIMITS!!!

I'd only just recently become comfortable having anal sex & this happened. I am so hurt, so angry, so scared. Who else has he done this with? The Photographer said she had to push for this information. When did he do something like this yet not tell his wife about it? I cannot trust someone who claimed to care about me but then would abuse my trust like that.

The Philosopher had the nerve to ask that I not post about this...
"I request one thing, if it is not to much, that you not write about this all in your blog. I realize that your blog is an important project, but you also recognize that even with the use of fake names it is still easily enough traced to me and I feel bad enough at the moment without worries about my associates reading details of my breakups, as well as the fact that I am easily embarrassed..."

I hope this embarrasses, humiliates & upsets him enough that he will NEVER do anything like this to anyone EVER again.


Professor said...

In your writing about this, you continue to be more than fair, more than generous... yes, you wrote about what happened, but you certainly didn't paint the easily, clearly, quotable, reprehensible picture that the Philosopher left you in his own pompous, abstracting, callous words. I admire your ability to remain above the level of filth that these two have thrown into your life. It's more than I could do, I'm sure.

Anonymous said...

That would lead to break up city for me....seriously, not that i'm one to tell you to leave him but....shit. I mean really thats just 90000 kinds of uncool

Ninian said...

Professor: Thank you for your admiration. I tend to be uber empathetic, even in situations where I have been wronged. I also have a great desire never to have my words twisted or misconstrued or to ever look like I'm being unfair, which is why I quoted him. And I don't want this to be me whining, "look what he did to MEEEEE!" That's not what this blog is about. (My LJ, on the other hand, has a bit more of how hurt I felt.)

Norokrex: Oh we are SOOOOOO broken up! That bastard actually thought he was breaking up with me when he responded to my e-mail and was hoping we could stay friends. This was my response:

"I cannot believe that you think, after confirming [his wife]'s post, that I would even consider myself to still be dating you. I feel ill that you, after saying that you NEVER would, tried to use your age as an excuse. That's PATHETIC.

You wrote, 'only after reading your e-mail did I recognize an ambiguity in something I asked and did I recognize the inappropriateness of the question to the context.' BULLSHIT!!! You have mentioned time and again that you constantly repeat and recheck because you DO NOT want there to be any misunderstandings. We have gone over, just you & I as well as the three of us, about the fact that CONDOMS have to to be used for any penetrative sex & are NON-negotiable. Do you honestly expect me to believe that you were trying to renegotiate with a vague question in the middle of a scene? I don't buy it. You did what you did NOT because you thought it would be okay, but because you are a selfish prick who was going to do what he wanted no matter how it affected someone he claimed to 'care about'. In fact, I suspect that you were trying to punish me in a very real manner rather than just the 'play' punishment we had set up.

We are not now nor will we ever again be friends. You broke a trust and VIOLATED me. It was not a 'mistake', it was a deliberate act discounting one of my HARD LIMITS. I TRUSTED you!!! You should not be poly nor participate in BDSM if you cannot respect others and their boundaries. I HATE you!

I will write about this wherever I damn well please & maybe, just maybe I'll consider not using your real name. But I promise nothing."

k said...

I was thinking about you today and wandered here...and got, I guess, The Update. I should get my thesaurus out, because all I'm coming up with is "that really sucks." And not in any good life-affirming way. So I was outraged on your behalf. And then sad (a lot of the day's been kind of maudlin), because they certainly seemed like a good thing that had come into your life. And now...well, definitely not.

Your posts here have been mulling in my head most of the afternoon. I went hiking in the rain and ended up thinking about trust and betrayal. And what would have happened if I'd just shut that guy down so many years ago, instead of dating him for another year after he came crawling back. Maybe trust doesn't ever really work again once it's been broken. Not perfectly, anyway.

They don't deserve you. I hope you're doing better.

swingcouple said...

Your point c. is the key. We can all get carried away and some bastards will take advantage when you're on a sexual high. Feel just so sorry for you, this is violation - if not rape itself.

Rose & Geoff XXX

Ninian said...

k - "that really sucks" actually, is very fitting. I am doing better, thank you for your comments.

swingcouple - The thing that gets me is that he wasn't just "some bastard", he was my boyfriend of 6 months. The trust had been built, not easily given. Thank you for your comment.