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Sunday, September 28, 2008

Wear Panties! - fiction (part 2)

The first time Mr. Underwood discovered his powers was in college. The fraternity he was pledging decided that the pledges should perform a panty raid on the local Freak House.
“What’s a Freak House?” A pale red headed pledge squeaked. The poor kid was getting redder and redder under the hot Georgia sun and his peeling sunburn was already starting to blister. But he diligently scrubbed what he suspected was a cum stain out of some red sheets.
All the pledges were sitting on the walkway to the frat house cleaning sheets with a bucket of water, a tablespoon of detergent and a toothbrush. He looked from one sweaty face to the next but only receive shrugs all the way down the line.

Joe, the laziest and the richest of all the pledges, had bribed Underwood to do his work. Underwood didn’t mind, though he knew everyone else thought he was a sucker. Instead of working with them, Joe was lounging in a patio chair under an umbrella with a beer and some nachos.

“You know,” Joe said in his deep Louisiana drawl, “I don’t reckon what a Freak House is, but I do know about panty raids. My Daddy said he did a few in his time when he was pledging.” Joe was always bringing up the fact that all the males in his family had been members so he was sure to get accepted. Plus, the fact that his grandfather had donated the fraternity house didn’t hurt one bit. He leaned forward excitedly on his seat. “What happens with a panty raid is a group of guys rush into one of them sorority houses and takes their panties!” He grinned like he’d just given out the winning lottery numbers to a million dollar jackpot.

Mack, one of the biggest guys Underwood had ever met and was in fact called Mack after a Mack truck, stood up. He tossed the sheet he had finished into the basket and lumbered over to Joe, casting a shadow that enveloped the chair and the table behind it. Joe coward.

“We’re not stupid, we know what a panty raid is. What we need to know is what a Freak House is.” He grabbed Joe by the collar and pulled him up until their noses were inches from each other. “Now why don’t you trot your happy Louisiana ass into that house and find out?”

“Bu-but...” Joe sputtered.

Dropping him, Mack cocked an eyebrow. “Or is all your legacy talk bullshit?”

Joe adjusted his shirt and stood up. “I don’t have to take this crap!” He stormed into the house.

Mack turned to the other boys with a goofy grin smeared across his face. “Ha! That didn’t take too much to get rid of that little prick.” He threw himself down onto the lawn chair, one leg dangling over the extended portion, and laughed. After a few seconds of his great guffaws, he lifted his head wiped a tear from the corner of his eye and said, “now, who wants to know what the Freak House is?”

It turned out that the Freak House wasn’t a sorority at all. It had once been a frat house that a group of gay guys had purchased to be the head quarters for the GLBT community a few years back. So when the frats sent their pledges on a panty raid the Freak House, they were stealing the underwear of gay guys, lesbians, transsexuals and cross dressers.

He didn’t tell anyone, but this intrigued Underwood. He’d always been awkward with women, they never seemed to really notice him, and had never had a girlfriend, not even in high school. The only person he’d even really kissed was Lara, his Uncle’s girlfriend’s sister. Only Lara ended up being short for Lawrence.

“So here’s the deal,” Mack was saying, “I know this guy who lives in the Freak House…”

“Dude! You gay?” Charlie, the idiot of the group, was in a headlock before any of them saw Mack move. For such a big guy, Mack could move quite quickly if he wanted to.

“Listen you little rug munch. If you think you’re going to intimidate me with your prejudice bullshit, you’re quite mistaken.” He twisted Charlie’s head until the boy squeaked. “Now, what the fuck were you saying?”

“Nothin’ man, ow! Nothin’! I’m sorry, okay? Come on, put me down!”

That evening, Underwood stood with the rest of the pledges in the stark light of a street lamp. They were all dressed in black and camouflage. Tim, one of the pledge masters, was dressed as a drill sergeant and marched back and forth in front of them taping the ground with a cane and spouting trite military platitudes.

“Men! For this operation, we will need to be strategic in our strike! Some of you may not make it, some of you may lose your nerve, and some of you might even be captured. But for those of you who have the power and the agility to navigate this battlefield, there will be a reward for each pair of panties you come back with!” He smacked the cane against his palm and grinned.

“Now, move out! Hut, hut, hut!”

The squad of pledges goose-stepped down the block and around the corner away from their pledge master before busting out with laughter.

“Okay, okay. Settle down.” Mack waved his hands like he was conducting a group of seventh graders. “I have a plan. My thinkin’ is, as long as some of us raid the Freak House and all of us bring back panties, then we’re golden. So I was thinking, there’s more chance of us not getting caught if we were to split up and raid different houses. Who wants to raid one of the sorority houses down the street?” As expected, Joe and Charlie’s hands were the first to fly into the air. Everyone else voted to go with them, except for Mack and Underwood.

Mack slung his enormous arm across Underwood’s shoulders and noogied his head. “Guess it’s just you and me, bud. You boys better get goin’. We’ll see ya back at the house tomorrow.” He saluted with his free hand. “God’s speed, men!” Then cupped his hand over his mouth as the guys crept off towards the row of sorority houses.

Squirming out from under Mack’s hold, Underwood cleared his throat. “Um, I thought you held off on telling us about the Freak House until Joe was inside so he’d be humiliated?”

“Man, that’s the most I’ve ever heard you speak!” Mack grinned and rubbed his hands together. “Thing is, Joe found out about the Freak House while he was inside. I guess he has as much pull as he pretends. But what he didn’t find out was that all the sorority houses are on high alert tonight for panty raids. They’re bound to get caught.” He turned and strode towards the front door of the Freak House. “My plan is to walk through the front door, go to the costume party they’re having and, after getting drunk and having lots of fun, taking the box of panties my boyfriend Carl is holding for me.” He held the door open and looked back at Underwood with a large grin. “You comin’? I’ll share the panties with you.”

Laughing, Underwood nodded and followed.

1 comment:

the Professor said...

I LOVE this! We're getting background on Underwood, but the other characters are well-rounded, complicated, and realistic, and the interaction between them, though important in terms of social theme and the subversion thereof, is witty and clever. I see this coming AFTER part 1, so we're intrigued by Underwood already, and have a sense of his powers, but this takes us back and puts us in his shoes more effectively, and keeps us intrigued...kudos!