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Monday, April 4, 2011

Emotional Privacy

"I just have a lot of feelings!"

I'm a very passionate person. But just because I feel something deeply and intensely, doesn't mean anyone necessarily knows what those feelings are. (Sometimes I don't even know!!) I don't always share my feelings. It's not that I can't, it's just that I like to take time with them... live with them... really get to know if they're feelings that are here for the long haul or if they're just overnight visitors.

When I was younger, my emotions ran my life. While I do not regret my past, for who I am today is built on who I was yesterday, I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I had stopped and thought before diving in. (It's amazing I never busted my head open! Though metaphorically I kinda did a few times...) But I did learn from this. I learned to step back from my feelings, to give them space and room to breath. I also learned that sometimes I feel things that aren't really there. For example, first thing in the morning when I'm not awake, my big gray cat will decided to be incredibly affectionate. I will feel a GREAT HATE for my cat at that moment because he woke me up and try to push him off the bed. But once I wake a bit, I hear his purrs and cuddle with him and feel a GREAT LOVE towards him. Extremely opposite feelings within moments of each other. He never questions this, he just comes back and purrs and kneads... makin' biscuits!



A bit of context: The Artist has recently started dating Cake, Raspberry's husband. (Raspberry and I have started dating again which is going well. More on that later!) She wrote in her blog about how she plans to have a meeting with them. I was a wee bit hurt that I was not included since I am part of this whole poly... squared... squad... thing. So, me being me, I asked her about it. Since I had to cancel our date Saturday due to illness and utter exhaustion, she explained that she had planned to talk to me on our date about what she plans to talk with them about at the meeting. She didn't mean to leave me out and invited me along. (I kinda felt like I invited myself... I hate when I get pushy.) So I asked her what the "meeting" would be about. (This, by the way, was all via text.) She typed, "I thought it would be a good idea for us to get together and put how we are all feeling about each other and everything on the table." I had no idea how to respond to this. I'd already gone and invited myself along. While having the same conversation one on one makes me squirm, at the idea of all of us having this conversation together makes my throat dry and my stomach churn.

To be clear, I'm not opposed to discussing feelings, I just think it's better to let it come about naturally and to allow others their emotional privacy. If I need to share something, I will. If you want to ask, then ask. Just be aware that the answer might be ambiguous as I'm still living with my feelings and making sure they're real. I also don't feel that I need to know the Artist's feelings about Cake or his feelings towards her unless they choose to tell me. And on a friendship level, the feelings between Raspberry and the Artisit are between them. I don't include feelings between Cake and I because we've spent so little time together... none alone. He seems like a great guy; I just don't know him that well. Perhaps that's why she didn't include me in the mod-pod-squad thing. Does it sound like I'm freaking out? Yeah... I kinda am. I fear my emotional privacy is in jeopardy before I know what my feelings really are. Am I possibly making too much out of this? Very possibly... but this is how me being open with my feelings goes.


Wow, is it messy.

1 comment:

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